I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
