so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
