Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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