sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
