Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
