Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
