we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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