She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
