I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
