I got chris browned last night
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
