drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.