I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.