I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?