Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
