I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
