I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
