Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
