Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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