My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
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I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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