i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
