Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
