Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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