i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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