John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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