He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
