matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
