We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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