i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
