hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
