If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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