$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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