Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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