I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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