I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
