Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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