then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
