did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it's like iHOP with fire
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
