I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
