dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
