I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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