3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
