Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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