12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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