We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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