i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
