so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
