Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
