my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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