We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
