Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
