someone get that fucking seahorse.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
