Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
