you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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