there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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