Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
