I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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