I think i peed on brittanys purse
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
