new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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