I cannot find my penis.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
